The art of letting go

I can be a control freak. 

I hated the thought of not knowing where I was going and what the future would bring. 

The last days of 2016 come with another beautiful lesson; I consider it to figure amongst the most valuable ones: letting life do its job. 

In my last entry (click here) I mentioned that we gain understanding about our paths mostly through retrospective. I used the image of connecting dots to see the resulting picture. Wanting to control will make the lines look forced; insouciance and confidence however will render the plainest picture interesting. "It's a dull image but look at those nonchalant contours".

Either way, we're undertaking a journey being blindfolded. The question is, are we courageous enough to hit the fast lane anyways or do we take tiny steps apprehending danger at every corner? 

On a side note, I discovered one has to truly learn to give and expect nothing in return. Nothing in return. At all. Really. And that is, it seems, the only way you can be above the obsession of control. Because no matter what comes your way, when you have no expectations you will welcome just about ANYTHING with an open mind. 

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I wrote this two days ago and I'm reading it again now. I'm really good at giving advice, perhaps I should follow it from time to time? But joking aside. I realise that getting rid of old habits doesn't happen over night; it's a discipline. It's reminding myself constantly that I want to change something. It's making the same mistake again and correcting it. Again and again. Until one day it becomes part of me.

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Life is what happens while we try to make plans. And in all honesty, I'm not sure I could have written a better scenario for mine than it did for itself.

Obszar załączników

What a coincidence...! Or is it?

"Whatever Lola wants,
Lola gets...."



About a week ago I posted about coincidences on my Instagram (click here) and about people that you have a special connection with (click here) In my last note I also wrote about how my phone got stolen.

Ever since I must have entered some sort of curvature in time and space that not only got me into some of the most improbable happenstances but it seems to be looping also; my brand new phone (which I bought to replace the one that got stolen on Tuesday) was stolen from me.... yesterday. This time I was lucky however and the thief still had it on him when he got caught by my guardian angel!

At the same time I feel I'm daring more and more to be myself and I have experienced both personal and professional growth which is most satisfying. Apparently nothing is free in life so perhaps this is the price I'm paying for success...? So be it! I'm not intimidated and I'm not backing off.

As a matter of fact, I want to get into more trouble and I want more signs of success. Life without the courage to live is merely "existing"!! You might as well skip it, you know.

I like to think that the coincidences and connections that occurred (ever since the aforementioned publications) were self-fulfilled prophecies. There was a post in September (hclick here ) asking the universe for what you wish to occur. I guess I shouldn't be surprised; some time ago I concluded that the course of our lives can only be understood through retrospection - never in the spur of the moment. Each day is a dot and the they only connect into lines once you're able to look at the past from a distance.

Ninja model - why it's better to NOT steal my phone

As some of you might have seen in my statuses, I got mugged on the 12th of December at 1:00am.

A lot of folks here asked what happened (others also exhibited a plain lack of concern - which is a great way of telling true friends from fake ones).

I didn't know I had ninja powers. But I have no other explanation.

The perpetrator sneaked up on me from behind as I was calling a friend. He got hold of my phone, and probably didn't expect I was going to hold on to it for as long as I did - as he eventually managed to take it I turned around, grabbed his scarf and started.... strangling the guy. I strangled him so hard I had blood all over my hand. NOT a joke. It's what when nails break at the wrong place.

Anyhow.

He managed to run eventually and me after him with my high-heeled boots and a heavy - but fancy -handbag (this deserves a note to self: next time you get attacked carry less useless, only-females-know-why-they-have-this-on-them-anyways articles). At that point I decided I was going to use my secret weapon - opera trained lungs. 

Balenciaga in my hand and working on my high C, I managed to attract enough attention to get people to join me in my late night marathon. I'd lost sight of him for a short moment but there he was. Panting and looking rather exasperated the aggressor has found himself in the firm clutch of a strong pair of male arms. 

He said he'd bring us to where the phone was. He lied.

He managed to escape again which was another occasion to do my opera-marathon with new people. We must have been around 10... 

This time we wouldn't let hold of him.   I've rarely seen that much "who the living hell is this chick?!" on somebody's face when I politely (fact!) asked him to render the loot. As a matter of fact, I was surprised by myself as much as he was but surely I wasn't going to admit. The timing seemed perfect to also make use of my acting chops.

As badass as I managed to make this sound and as much as I'd like to give it a happy ending, there isn't one. The police didn't find the phone and had to release him after 24h.

I don't know why one would get into the trouble of stealing a telephone that will be blocked instantly anyways. Is the 40€ you'll sell its pieces for on Ebay really worth the hassle? I mean, you could have actually done something with your life in those 24h. Read my blog for example. You'd have known I don't let people f-word with me much. 

Good luck to you and I hope you'll find a better reason to be treading this Earth. 

Find the one who hears your music the same way you do - T. Kearby

Looking back at 2016, and even earlier than that, I've come to a grim conclusion - I know this might seem like an odd thing to say because "Magda is such an optimist".

First of all, fuck this. It's been a long time since I've wanted to say "fuck". I never use swear words when writing - not very ladylike, is it! "Magda is so classy". Well, fuck this. I've had it. I'm DONE! I'm done pretending. 

Why is it that we think we have to prove something to the world by living our life? Seriously!! Career, looks, the area our apartment is in.... I reminisce 2016, and I'm asking myself "What the living fuck have you been doing since the turn of the millennium, Magda??"

Can I honestly look back and say I created the life I wanted? It might look like that on the outside but there are cracks starting to show, undeniably and more and more. You can live in denial of who and what you are only for that long before going mental.

Fuck!!!!

Here's the thing, I'm done. There comes a point where you either look the tiger in the eye and grab it by its horns (well, not exactly but you get my point) OR you sort of peek at it and then pee yourself and get eaten.

The first slap to wake me up came from my dear @lutz_huelle who said "It's quite astonishing, you're witty and smart which stands in complete opposition to the image you convey in social media". Why, thank you, no one's ever told me I looked like a stupid bimbo in a more sophisticated way than you  did, my friend. Chapeau.

Joking aside, suddenly I realised I couldn't blame "karma" or the universe for the kind of guys I was attracting - I alone was the culprit! Putting there an image of me that... wasn't me; thinking in terms of quantity of likes rather than their quality. Interestingly enough, some of my favourite images (to keep Instagram as an example) get the lowest number of likes BUT the people who give them are the people whose friendship and opinion I value most. 

I think they might hear my music the same way I do.

By doing the right things according to your personal truth you invite rightness into your life. By doing anything that violates your integrity you invite chaos and frustration.

In 2017 I'm... letting go. There are things and people I don't need. It is possible to live without anybody's approval to be the way I want to. Amen.

What are you waiting for?

I had a tendency to postpone my goals "until later" only to wind up discovering I waited too long. I'd consider my goals weren't as important as those of the people around me - or my talent even sufficient. 

Well, I've made a shocking discovery recently: I was wrong. I had wasted precious time questioning my ability to do what I wanted and waiting until I'm "ready".

What changed? I decided to do things NOW. Waiting, postponing, doubting - these were things that were banned from that moment on. I even went so far as to exclude those people that made me feel "worth less". 

It didn't happen overnight. It started with a decision however, and as I saw the changes it brought about I knew I'd found the right path. The truth of the matter is, you KNOW. You might not have the courage to do it immediately but you KNOW what you should be doing. 

When you postpone achieving your goals you not only take time for granted ("I'll do it later" - you might not even be here "later"...!) but you're actually purposely choosing to not live the life you want. Sounds harsh? Absolutely. But think about it this way - what could be possibly more important than YOUR purpose? Yes, there's a ton of things that stand in our way. No one said it's going to be easy. But how much harder is a purposeless life, devoid of dreams?

My certainty in this matter grew day by day. I started by just doing a little bit, one step at a time. Within just a couple months - a few weeks, in fact - I had the most life changing events occur. Better and faster than what I could have wished for and... it's just the beginning.

About three weeks ago I was modeling for a designer friend of mine, Lutz Huelle. He has a t-shirt that says "World Peace Now". It got me thinking; I realised there were a lot of things that should be happening NOW. I wanted a t-shirt that would remind me that I needed to act. Fast. Putting aside everything that wasn't conducive to my goals. 

Within the minute I contacted my friend Alexander who has a t-shirt line in the U.S. He loved the idea and decided NOW deserved to be a movement. As I'm writing this article I'm wearing my very own NOW t-shirt.

It's up to you to live the life you want.

Launching tomorrow:

HTTP://www.now-movement.com

The Pretend Game

There's a game I like and it's called the Pretend Game.

When I was little I pretended I was a princess - now I wonder why I ever stopped?

I don't remember when it happened. My only guess is that some know-best grown-up came along and told me to "be an adult about it"; that life was a serious thing. Oh, and that I should already know what I wanted to do later on because I too would have to pay rent one day, and taxes and bills. Don't forget the only thing that measures your success is the number of zeros on your paycheck at the end of the month. So in order to have a life that has a meaning at all you'll "work hard" and also "worry" because, you know, there's not enough jobs for everybody. Economy's bad. And then one day you'll end up bankrupt and dead because the bailiff came and he took everything, even your hamster.

Yeah. Really?

It's true to the degree you wish to follow a certain behaviour pattern in society and there's nothing wrong with it. 

Only there's everything wrong with it as far as it concerns... _me_.

I have to admit to something I do every now and then: I actually quite frequently ponder about how unbelievably lucky I am to live the life I have. As I'm writing this I'm on a plane from Berlin to Paris, back from work...... little Polish girl following destiny's "higher plans". 

Or is she? 

Because I very well remember the day I decided what I wanted and simply pretended it was already happening. Yes, I pretended; not only did I _make_myself believe I could have what I wanted but I also imagined I already had it. This included images, situations, emotions (I mean very literally my heart would start beating faster and I'd get genuinely excited). Like an actress. 

You'll notice it includes another word and that is: "act". If you want something you have to act. Do stuff. The first thing you need to _do_ is decide what you want. Not what is "real" but name exactly and very specifically what you'd want. It doesn't have to be - and as a matter of fact _shouldn't_be - serious or heavy. The "lighter" and more insouciant you can be about this the more likely it's going to happen. The trick is not clinging to it and "wanting it so badly it hurts". Have you ever noticed that the more you "must have" something the more you pull in the exact opposite? You "must have" your job. And you "worry" about losing it. And you worry so much and you really can't imagine how you'd live without it that you end up... getting fired!

I have countless examples of how something started in my mind as a wish and ended up materialising itself later on. I can also think of a couple where I just became a "serious grown up" about it and sabotaged my own Pretend Game. The good news is: I alone decide when and how to play!

So what is it that you'd want to happen..?

Some moments in life change everything

If you're lucky, it'll only feel like a slap in the face with a wet fish: your crush never called back. Or maybe your sleazy undeserving colleague got a pay raise and you didn't.

Or it could be more significant. Your wife dumping you after 25 years of marriage. It could be the death of someone you loved more than you knew was even possible.

Mine was somewhere in-between.

After my husband suddenly left 2,5 years ago my world had crashed - a plane in some godforsaken place leaving no survivors.

Only apparently there was one.

After I finally realised what happened, well, I had no choice. I had to start... to keep going despite the odds. Where I was going I had no clue but I knew staying by the wreck wasn't going to change anything.

I put some make up on. A smile, too. I probably still smelled of airplane fuel and ashes when I nervously sat opposite  *Him* - my first date since I was 17 and hopefully my new Mr Right.

New Mr Right is great. We spoke about children. We moved in together after a year. A flat with a garden, in a villa, in Paris. My life is going perfectly well and --WRRrrrAam!!!

The sound of a car braking frantically but it's too late. No passenger survived.

Hang on. I've done this before. Stand up, get the dirt out of your face... You're single. Again.

Fast forward to present time. Four months later my skin is glowing and my hair flies in slow motion as I walk down the street. My smile reveals perfectly white teeth (I made sure not to have salad) and there's some beautiful background music.

Did I just shoot a TV ad? No. Did I meet another guy? Double no. But I'm in love, yes. In love with my life.

There are those moments when the worst has passed and you know you've learned your lesson.

I've learned to celebrate every instant. I've grown to become my own best friend -because that's the only friend that'll never leave me. People come and go, they bring us love, hate, happiness, sadness. At every turning point of fate you'll find something positive. Even death. Yes, even death.

I've lost my father when I was 15. What could possibly be positive about that... ?!

I'm thankful for the memories I got to keep. I'm thankful our lives crossed and that we were given to walk alongside the same path even if it was "too short". This lesson made me more sensitive towards other peoples' suffering.... and I've learned there's nothing and nobody we can ever take for granted. Circumstances change before you can even snap your fingers.



There is no such thing as failure, only successes and lessons.

(photo credit Rodney Dean)